Dear James
by Ich bin ein Schmetterling
Summary: James S. P. goes off to tour America with his band, leaving his girlfriend Jess at home. They write letters to stay in touch, but can their love survive the distance? Rated for language, sex referances and drug use. R&R, and I will love you forever.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

"Promise me you'll send an owl every day?" Jess asked, looking at her hands entwined with James'. They stood outside her family home, saying their goodbyes.

"Of course I will, Jess. I'll never forget you." He smiled, letting go of her hands to raise her head and kiss her. When they parted, James noticed tears in her eyes.

"Jess Wilson crying?" He laughed, wiping a tear from her cheek. "Don't worry; I'll be back before you know it. Six months isn't that long, really."

"Stupid band. Why go on tour anyway?" she muttered.

He put his arms around her, comforting her. "I have to go; I'm sorry. I'll be back before you know it," he repeated, as much to convince himself as Jess.

"You better," she warned into his chest.

"Err, sorry to interrupt, but can I speak to you for a minute James?" Neither of them had noticed Jess' brother Luke approaching.

"Sure," said James, letting go of Jess and following Luke to the other end of the rather large front garden.

Luke shuffled his feet nervously. "James, it's not that I don't trust you… It's just long distance relationships don't always work out, and, well… If you hurt my sister in any way, you're dead. Worse than dead."

"Luke, I love Jess. I would never hurt her," he said earnestly.

"Good," Luke smiled. "Well, now that's sorted, have an awesome time, mate."

"I will. Listen; keep her safe while I'm gone."

James continued saying his goodbyes to the rest of the family, and, since he'd already bid farewell to his parents, apparated to Los Angeles, where he would meet the rest of the band and begin the tour. As she watched him disappear before her eyes, Jess couldn't help the tears returning.

_Don't worry,_ she told herself, _he'll be back soon. This won't change him._

**Shortest chapter ever, I know, but this is just the prologue. It will get better ;) ****Review and I will continue, but if no one reviews, I won't bother. So, if you like the idea so far, click that button!**


	2. Chapter one

**Chapter one**

_Dear James,_

_How's America? I know you only left yesterday, but I already miss you! That's quite sad, isn't it? Just don't go too wild while I'm not there! Whatever you do, don't get too drunk and sleep with a fan. Remember I'm here, waiting for you. _

_By the way, your family and the Weasleys are coming for dinner tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it – something to take my mind off your absence. Your presence will be greatly missed by everyone though; it just won't be the same… Oh, and Luke told me to remind you of your promise yesterday, whatever that was. _

_Anyway, I really just wanted to tell you I love you. Don't forget me.__ I don't believe you're off having this great experience and I have to go back to school in a few days. Last year though, and then I shall be free! Please try and visit at Christmas or something though?_

_All my love, _

_Jess x_

Jess smiled, satisfied, and sealed the parchment with her wand. She began to tie it to her owl, Hermes' leg, but this proved more difficult than expected. He struggled, eager to take off on his flight to America.

"Calm down, Hermes, I need to get this tied on," she moaned. "He won't change, will he? When he's off partying and stuff? He'll remember me, right? Oh, look at me, worrying worse than Rose! He loves me, and he'll be back by my side again in no time. And, in the meantime, I'll concentrate on my schoolwork." She laughed to herself. "As if! I could never be like Rose in that respect. Oh come on Hermes, stay still!" Hermes finally quietened and she managed to get tie the letter to his leg. "Goodbye, and return quickly!" she said to him, before he flew out the window into the clear blue sky.

"Jess!" Jess' mother called up the stairs. "Come on! We're meeting everyone at the Weasley's house. We should have been there five minutes ago for Merlin's sake!"

Jess sighed and headed down the stairs with her broomstick.

"Relax, mum. You know no one will be ready when we arrive, and besides, it's not like there's a specific time for arriving at Diagon Alley."

"Still, it's rude. Are you ready? Grab some floo powder and let's go!"

Jess obeyed her mother, grabbing a handful of the strange blue powder and stepping into the fireplace. She threw in down and said the address of the Weasley's home. She spun off through the maze of fireplaces confidently (she had done this many times before), landing like a professional in the Weasley's front room.

"Rose!" she exclaimed, embracing her friend who was standing alone in the room, waiting for the guests.

"Hey Jess, glad you could make it," she smiled. "You're the first to arrive, surprise, surprise. I told mum we should have told you all to come half an hour before we wanted you, but she wouldn't listen… Oh, hi Kath."

Jess' mother had landed in the room, and was busy smoothing down her clothing.

"Hello Rose. Oh, are we the first? I thought we would be late! Where's Hermione?"

"She's busy shouting at dad for misplacing his wand again," Rose laughed.

"Oh dear," said Kath, concerned. Just then, however, Hermione came beaming into the room to greet her guests.

"Kath, so nice to see you! Found the wand," she added to Rose, rolling her eyes. "Ron's just coming. Oh look, here comes Lily."

Lily Potter fell out of the fireplace, closely followed by a smooth exit from Albus. Their parents followed soon after, and they were all greeted happily by their friends.

"I don't know why we need to fly there," Lily moaned, picking up her broomstick. "Floo powder is so much quicker and easier."

"Because you kids need the exercise," Ginny, her mother, told her with a laugh, summoning her own magically. "Well, shall we be off then?"

The large crowd headed outside, chatting and laughing. They set off after having an expert disillusionment charm placed on each of them by Hermione. Jess didn't mind flying there; in fact, she liked it. Feeling the wind in her face made her feel free, and alive, things she really needed to feel again now James was gone.

"So, Luke decided not to come?" Rose asked, flying next up next to her.

"Yeah, he said he had stuff to do. Talking to his _girlfriend_ probably."

Rose giggled. "Ah well. Anyway, more importantly, how are you managing with James gone?"

Jess sighed. "I don't know… I'm coping, sort of. He's only been away one day though. I wrote to him this morning, and I know it will take time for Hermes to travel to America and back, but I swear, if there's not a letter waiting on my desk when I get home, I'm going to America myself to find him."

Rose laughed again, but stopped as Albus flew up to talk to them. You don't talk about this sort of thing to boys, especially not when it's about their brother. Apparently he didn't mind though.

"Coping without my brother then Jess?" he asked, smiling at her. The two of them were in the same year at Hogwarts and had become best friends, despite Jess going out with his brother.

"Yeah, I'll manage. I was just telling Rose, I wrote to him this morning."

"Oh good. I know he'll be glad to hear from you. Look, don't worry about him going off partying with other girls. I know my brother, he may be an enormous flirt but he loves you, and would never do that."

It was like he could see straight into her soul and know exactly what was bothering her. She smiled and thanked him, before changing to a lighter topic. She didn't want to talk about James; the more she did, the more she missed him. Albus understood, and they chatted and laughed about nothing the rest of the way there.

Landing outside Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, the party headed inside to drop off their broomsticks and say hello to George Weasley.

"Hello everybody, yes I know you're glad to see me. Hugo! Put that down! Just 'cause you're my nephew, doesn't grant you special access to bottles clearly labelled _Do Not Touch_. Ron, learn to control your child. And Jess, that's very expensive, and, truth be told, it doesn't even work that well. Put it back."

Jess blushed and put down the parchment that claimed to 'make the recipient of your letter unable to forget you'.

"Now, everyone, listen to me," Hermione ordered, taking control. "You can all go off and do what you want, but we're meeting back here in two hours, okay? We'll be buying all your schoolbooks in this time, so don't worry about that. Go and enjoy yourselves, but stay safe, and don't go down Knockturn Alley."

Albus, Rose and Jess looked at each other and grinned, before heading out the shop.

**There, chapter one. Hope you liked it. If you want to see more, you know what to do. (Hint – review ;] )**


	3. Chapter two

**Chapter two**

_Dear James,_

_I'm so glad you're having a good time. Your letter made me laugh so much! I made the mistake of reading it in the middle of Herbology; Professor Longbottom must think I'm insane, laughing to myself. Oh well… I guess I shouldn't read it in class anyway, but you know me; I'm no Rose. Speaking of Rose, it's our second day back and she's already got like fifty house points. It's madness! However, between us, Albus and I have nearly cancelled that out. It's not our fault though, it's Professor Chate's! You know what she's like… And she gave us detention! I mean, for Merlin's sake, I'm a legal adult in two weeks! All I did was hit that _twat_ Scorpius with a _minor _hex, and she went mad. Then, when Albus tried to cover for me, she gave him detention as well. Your brother's too nice for his own good. But I don't see what I did wrong – it was Defence Against the Dark Arts and I did just that. Merlin, I hate it here. Nah, that's a lie, but still. If it wasn't for Albus and Rose I think I'd go mad._

_I need you back though! It's not the same without you 'helping me with homework' in the evenings, or waking me up in the mornings. I miss you so much… Do you still think about me, or are you too busy having an awesome time? Well, apart from the Stacy thing, of course. Wow, your very first stalker! I'm proud. Told you you're gorgeous. You better not go falling in love with her though! G'aw, I'm all jealous. It's not fair someone like her gets to see you, when I, your loving girlfriend, am stuck in full time education!_

_Oh my gosh, but I have the best news! Teddy and Victoire are getting married on Christmas Eve! Invitations arrived this morning. Lily said it's because Victoire's pregnant, but I wouldn't take her word for it; she also claimed that Hugo's in a passionate relationship with a centaur. But now you _have _to come back for Christmas! I know how much you hate buying presents, but don't worry; the best present will be your presence. Though I do like scented candles, hint hint._

_I'm not sure when Hermes will be up to flying the Atlantic again (it _is _the Atlantic that separates us right?); the poor thing's exhausted. I'm in the owlery at the moment and can barely keep his eyes open. I know he'll be annoyed if I send a school owl though, so I'll just wait for him. Your letter probably won't arrive for a while yet. Sorry about that._

_I love you,_

_Jess x_

Jess sealed the letter with her wand and turned to her owl.

"You don't want to fly again right now, do you?" she asked him. Hermes just blinked sleepily and put his head under his wing in response.

"Talking to your owl, Wilson? I always knew you were a weird one," a smarmy voice sneered from behind her. Rolling her eyes, she turned around to face Scorpius Malfoy.

"What are _you_ doing here, Malfoy?"

"Sending a letter, what do you think? I suppose you're writing to your _boyfriend_. Ah, poor guy. Probably feels sorry for you. Poor little Jess, waiting at home like a good little girl, while her boyfriend is off snogging American girls. I hear they're hotter than British girls, anyway. If I were you, I'd be getting worried."

Jess opened her mouth for a witty comeback, but none came. Furious at herself, she could do nothing but splutter. "I- He- No- loves me… wouldn't-"

"Wow, you really are naïve. Well, whatever makes you happy." Scorpius shrugged and turned away to attach his letter to a barn owl. Filled with rage, Jess took this as her chance and whipped out her wand.

"Tarantallegra," she yelled at his turned back, but he spun round withdrawing his wand and deflected it with ease.

He laughed. "You really should learn to use spells without saying the incantation out loud. Like this." He flicked his wand, but Jess was ready. She deflected whatever he had tried to curse her with, but he moved lightening fast. With another flick of his wand, boils erupted all over Jess's body. She screamed, her body contorting in pain. Laughing softly, he began to curse her again.

"Cruc-"

"Petrificus Totalus!"

Jess recognised the voice even before she looked up. Albus Potter. Her saviour. Scorpius's arms and legs snapped together, making him fall to the floor. He glared at Albus, as if to say he'd get his revenge, but he couldn't open his mouth to speak.

"Come on Jess, let's go before a teacher shows up. We can get Rose to sort out those boils so you don't have to face the humiliation of the hospital wing."

"Thanks Albus. You saved me… I mean, you know the spell he was going to do. How did he even learn it?"

"Probably from his dad," Albus said, darkly.

They worked their way back through the castle, sticking as much as they could to side corridors, but still Jess was conscious of the hundreds of eyes turning to stare at her. She looked down, her face burning. Worst of all though, Albus had seen her like this. She didn't know why, but that fact made her feel worse than all of the gawking strangers together.

"Don't worry, Jess," he said, taking her hand. "It's not that bad."

"I'm ugly," she whispered, trying not to cry.

"You could never be ugly. But we'll get rid of the boils soon, Rose'll know what to do."

Jess bit her lip and nodded, suddenly very aware of his hand in hers. But she loved James; that was just weird… Luckily her thoughts were interrupted as they reached the portrait hole. Albus gave the Fat Lady the password, and they climbed through. Fortunately, the common room was fairly empty as most people were enjoying the last of the sunshine outside. Only Rose and a couple of first years were in there. Rose looked up as they approached, dropping the book she was reading.

"Jess! What happened?" she exclaimed.

"Malfoy," Albus replied for her.

"Ah, I should have known. Don't worry, I know a spell that should fix it…"

**That's it (: What did ya think? I think I'll continue writing like this – starting with a letter to James and then writing about part of her daily life at the time. But I'm only continuing with reviews, so hit that button ;D**


	4. Chapter three

**Chapter three**

_Dear James,_

_Today's my birthday. I haven't received a letter from you in ages, and now I know why. It didn't take you long, did it? I saw it in Emma __Elcock__**'**__s _Witch Weekly._ You and _her_. A great birthday present it was._

_We knew it would happen eventually… I just didn't realise it would be so soon. I really thought you loved me. You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first… I know I'm just making myself sound pathetic with this letter, so I'll end it here._

_Goodbye, James._

_Jess_

It was short, and teardrops splattered the page, but it would have to do. Jess threw it down next to her and sat, rocking, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs and tears falling freely down her face. She was in the broom closet, the only place she knew she could be alone. She thought back to an hour ago, her face burning red just thinking about her humiliation.

_Jess stood with Rose outside Transfiguration, waiting to go in. _

"_There she is!" shrieked Emma, in glee, running up to them, a copy of _Witch Weekly _in her hands. Her boyfriend, Scorpius Malfoy followed closely behind, not bothering to disguise his laugh. The whole class turned to stare enquiringly at them, desperate to know the new piece of gossip. That's all she was to them, the new piece of gossip._

_Jess stared down at the front cover of the fateful magazine. There was a picture of James, kissing a pretty blonde girl. Well, Jess thought she would've been pretty, if she didn't dress like a prostitute. The two of them were outside a club Jess didn't bother looking at the name of, and James was clearly high on something. At first, she could do nothing but stare, not willing to believe this was real, but after a moment, she knew she had to get out of there. She couldn't let anyone see her cry._

"_Jess," Rose whispered, but she was already running, away from them, away from the photo. Away from everything._

Someone knocked on the door, breaking Jess's chain of thought.

"Jess? Can I come in?" Albus's voice called through the door.

"Sure," she said, her voice cracking as she said it.

Albus opened the door and entered the small space, closing it again quickly behind himself. He knelt down next to Jess and put his arms around her.

"I just heard from Rose. I knew you would be here. Look, my brother's an asshole. He's stupid if he can't see he had this beautiful, clever and all-round amazing girlfriend."

Jess was crying too much to respond; she just leant her head against his shoulder. Albus really was an amazing friend. Yes, he wasn't as exiting as James; he wasn't a _rebel._ But he was dependable, and kind, and so sweet. He was always there for her, whenever she needed him. And that, she decided, was the important thing. Albus may not be the most fun person she knew, but he was exactly what she needed right now. She lifted her head, kissing him softly on the cheek.

"Thank you," she whispered.

…**That's all you're getting ;D I know it's short, but like I said, I'm back at school now, and I've also started writing more poetry. If you want a link to the site with that on, then PM me. And with shorter chapters, I should be able to update more frequently. **

**Review please! (:**

**Many thanks to NotADeamYetNotANightMare; you are actually awesome! You're the reason I'm continuing this ^^ **


	5. Chapter four

**Oh how depressing. This is my favourite fic so far and it's my least popular! *cries* Meh, I shall continue anyway. Enjoy (:**

**Chapter four**

James sank down on the bar stool, the music pounding in his ears, making his whole body shake. Or maybe that was the alcohol.

"Another martini," he slurred, as a perky muggle girl with short, vivid red hair slid onto the stool next to him. The barman didn't even bother to begin preparing the drink, as the girl grabbed James's face and pressed her lips passionately into his. As his mouth opened, he felt something slip into it. Swallowing it, he recognised it at once. Ecstasy. It had been his best friend from pretty much the instant he arrived in America. He grinned, grabbing the girl's hand and leading her onto the dance floor. She wasn't much of a talker, it seemed, but that didn't matter here. All that mattered was her tiny waist, big breasts and endless supplies of the drugs.

As they started to dance, more girls gathered around, all trying to get close to James. He was a young rock star, with rugged good looks, even after having been out all night drinking. A tall dark woman shimmied up and put her arms around his shoulders, shaking her hips to the music. He laughed, squeezing her ass and pulling her closer. The colours were blurring around him; everything was a wonderful shade that didn't have a name. He didn't recognise the song, though he was sure it had always been his favourite. This girl was the most beautiful he'd ever met, and he knew that he would be with her for ever and ever. He pulled her into a clumsy kiss, which they did not break as the girl led him away, out of the club into the harsh cold outdoors. Still not moving his lips from hers, he adjusted his jacket so it surrounded her as well and pulled her towards an alleyway. She followed without hesitating for a moment, breaking the kiss and beginning to unbutton her shirt as they reached a secluded spot behind some bins.

"Ow!" yelled James, feeling something slice the skin of his shoulder. He  
looked round, seeing a tawny owl pecking furiously at his skin. "Fuck off," he moaned.

"What the hell?" said the girl, raising her eyebrow and buttoning her shirt back up.

"Don't worry, it's fine. Get lost, owl, what do you have against me anyway?"

The owl continued relentlessly breaking James's skin.

"Fucking weirdo," muttered the girl, stalking away out of the alley and back into the club.

"No," James moaned, sinking to his knees. "What do you want?" he demanded of the owl, furious at it for losing him that beautiful, wonderful angel. The owl stuck out his leg, which had a letter attached. "Who's sending me a letter?"

A memory surfaced from the back of his mind. A girl… What was her name? Oh, Jess, that's right. Such a plain girl, black and white compared to the rainbow of American girls. This was her owl.

"Ah, get lost," he muttered, swiping half heartedly at the bird and sinking face down on the grimy concrete. "I don't care… Life is good here. I'm happy, and I'm never going back…"

He felt the sick rise up in his throat, but he swallowed it back down. This owl was judging him. It scratched his neck softly with its beak and he shot up immediately. Even this far gone, nothing could touch his neck.

"Fine, fine. I'll read your bloody letter," he muttered incomprehensibly, ripping the letter violently from the owl's leg. He tore open the parchment and started to read. It took him a whole hour to decipher the words, with his head pounding and the letters swirling and jumbling about on the page, but finally he thought he understood. Not crying a single tear, he ripped the parchment in two and threw it to the ground. He stood up, grabbing his head as he swayed, trying to regain his balance. Another drink would make him feel better.

He headed back into the club and went straight for the bar. He spotted the girl from earlier, but she looked at him in disgust and went back to dancing with a young blonde man. She wasn't that pretty anyway, he thought. Now her nose seemed a touch too pointed and her eyes narrow and mean. She was big and intimidating, not his type at all.

"Can I get you anything?" asked the barman, bored.

James didn't say anything for a moment, just staring at the man.

"No…" he whispered.

And he ran. Away from the girl; away from the club. Away from everything. He ran until he couldn't run any further, and lungs burning and heart in pieces, he collapsed unconscious on the pavement.

**Ah, another kinda short chapter, but I need to do maths homework now. Hope you liked it, and please do review (:**


	6. Chapter five

**Chapter five**

"James, come on, we need to go."

James groaned and turned over, away from his friend and fellow band member, Tim. He couldn't face getting out of his bed just yet. He may never. Who gives a damn? Tim grabbed the duvet and pulled it back, getting annoyed. James shied away from the light.

"Dude, what the hell? I told you not to stay out all night getting pissed. What would've happened if we hadn't found you this morning? And we have a gig now, for Merlin's sake. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing; go away; do the gig without me…"

"You're our lead singer! Now get out of bed and put some fucking clothes on." He seized James's arm, pulling him up. James staggered backwards, clutching his throbbing head.

"Relax! I'm not a child. Merlin…"

"You sure as hell act like a child. Sober up and be professional. We're leaving in ten minutes; I'll meet you downstairs then," Tim sighed, before exiting the room, leaving James on his own.

James opened the drawer next to his bed, pulling out an ecstasy tablet. This should get him through the night. He swallowed it, wincing as it passed down his parched throat. He grabbed a pair of jeans and a T shirt from the drawer and threw them on, pausing to take a look at himself in the mirror. His hair was, if possible, even messier than it was usually. He shuddered at the sight of his gaunt, pale skin and the dark circles under his eyes, but decided this was the look he was going for. Grabbing a pair of scissors, he cut tears into his brand new designer jeans, to create the perfect I-just-woke-up-and-I-don't-give-a-shit-what-I-look-like look, before opening the hotel room door and heading down to the foyer.

As he entered, Tim and the other band members, Amy and Darren stared at him. Amy raised her eyebrow.

"That's a… interesting new look, James," she said.

"Fuck off," he muttered, glaring at her.

"Whoa, James!" she said, affronted. "Relax."

"Come on everyone, let's just go. The muggles sent us a limo," Tim grumbled, retrieving his favourite top hat from the hat stand.

After a rather awkward limo ride, they arrived at tonight's venue – a massive arena in the heart of Miami. Amy and Darren got out and started walking off towards the stage door, but Tim put his hand on James's arm to stop him.

"If you mess this up for us, James, you're dead. We can find a new lead singer. Understand?"

"Why would I mess it up?" James laughed, the drugs having taken affect. Tim sighed.

"I'm disappointed in you. Really, I knew you were a bit… wild, but I would've thought you would remember Jess, waiting for you at home. We all like to have a good time, but you're taking this too far. Calm down, alright?"

"Merlin, chill out Tim! I'm good. Everything is good. So sit back and enjoy the ride. Let's go."

James pushed past Time and swaggered off. As he got inside, various make up artists and hairdressers rushed up to him, but he waved them off impatiently. He started pacing the corridors, heaps of energy making it impossible to sit still.

"Oi, mate," a voice called from behind him. The voice was too loud, too threatening to James.

"What? What do you want?" He spun round, his eyes wide in fear, only to see Darren looking confusedly at him. "What were you doing, creeping up on me?" he yelled.

"James, it's time to go on; stop being paranoid."

"Oh…"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," James smiled. "Never better."

He gave Darren a tight hug and followed him and the others out onto the stage. The crowd went wild, yelling and screaming at the top of their lungs, "JAMES, JAMES, JAMES!" James smiled at the fans, giving them a quick wave and taking his place at the mike. Darren slid behind the drum kit at the back of the stage, Amy picked up her bass and Tim his guitar. It was his prized possession, an Ibanez AR300, a present from his girlfriend Chloe before he left.

"What's up, Miami?" James yelled to more screams and shouts. He swayed slightly, but managed to regain his balance. "Great to be here. We're gonna start off with a little song called _Dirty Look_."

As the familiar guitar chords started, James clutched his head. This wasn't right. The music was too loud; the lights were too bright in his face. He wasn't meant to be feeling like this; the ecstasy should have taken care of that. He felt drained and dizzy, and was terrifyingly aware of the first line of the song coming up in a few moments. He opened his mouth to sing, but no words came out. How did the lyrics go?

_Jess._

What? Where did that come from? Why was he thinking about _her_? She wasn't here; she wasn't important. He just needed to remember the words…

He looked round at Tim desperately. Tim glared back, but stepped forward to sing at the mike.

That's when he threw up.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Tim."

"Save it," Tim replied coldly, not bothering to turn around to face his old friend.

"What can I do to make you forgive me?"

Tim spun around furiously. "You humiliated us. You threw up on my £3000 guitar. You ruined our chances of ever getting anywhere with this band. I thought you were my best friend, but you care more about the drugs than me. Fuck you, James. I don't give a shit about you anymore."

"Look, I know I fucked up, but I won't do it anymore. I'll stay sober from now on; I promise."

"No, you won't. Look, you're out of the band. Go home."

"I can't…" James whispered, but Tim had already gone.

**As always, reviews=love and muffins ;)**


	7. Chapter six

**This is for you, NADA :D Sorry it took so long, but so much stuff has happened recently, and yeah. I was kind of half basing this fic around my own feelings and friends, but with all that's happened I've had to completely change the plot, so… Oh well, enjoy.**

**Chapter six**

_Dear James,_

_I'm not going to send this letter, but Albus said it would be good to write one anyway, to vent my anger._

_I know you don't care about me anymore, but I can't help but think about you… Why do you and Albus have to look so similar? You're such different people, even though you're related. You're an arrogant asshole, but still fun and interesting. Albus is so sweet and caring, but to be honest, he's kind of dull… I feel so horrible saying that, as he's helped me so much and you've been so horrible, but that's how I feel. _

_I want to kill you. I'd hunt you down, and stab you right in the empty place where your heart should be, but you're not worth it. You're not. Oh who am I kidding? Lying to myself isn't going to help anyone. I still love you. More than you'll ever know… I still get butterflies whenever anyone mentions your name. You're the reason I cry every night. I don't know what I'm going to do…I'm living one day at a time, just trying to get through the day. I honestly don't know how much longer I can last. When is this going to end?_

_Lots of love, Jess x_

"First Hogsmeade trip this weekend, guys," Rose announced, sinking into the armchair next to Jess's, by the common room fireplace.

"Cool," Albus said casually from across the coffee table, stealing a glance at Jess. She didn't say anything.

"Jess? You okay?" Rose asked her, concerned. "You don't have to go if you don't want to, but I think it'll do you good to get out of the castle."

"I don't know," she said, her throat burning as she tried to hold back the tears. "I have this essay I need to write for Chate…"

"Okay," Rose frowned. It had been over a month since James and Jess had broken up. Although she felt horrible thinking it, Rose was getting fed up at the fact that Jess didn't seem to be getting any better. It was no fun hanging out with a depressed person. He was only a boy, why couldn't she get over him? She'd had previous boyfriends, why was this different? She was always on the verge of tears nowadays. And Albus was always so serious; hanging out with the pair of them was wearing her out. Yes, she was appreciating the quiet she was now able to find to work in, but she wanted a bit of fun as well. Sighing, she got up and went over to talk to Daniel, a boy she knew vaguely from her Herbology class.

Jess watched her leave, feeling the tears catch in her throat. Even her friends were getting bored of her; she could tell. There was no one left that cared…

"Excuse me," she muttered, before walking as quickly as she could without running up the stairs to her dormitory. Finally, she let the tears out. She collapsed on her bed, her eyes streaming.

"I hate you," she sobbed, sitting up and smacking her thigh as hard as she could. She paused, panting, staring down at her sore leg. Lifting her fist, she brought it crashing down on her leg again. It felt nice. It distracted her momentarily from the gaping hole in her heart and the chaos shrouding her mind. She did it again and again, until she could no longer find the energy and collapsed back down on the bed.

Why was no one coming? Could no one hear? Or did they just not care? Deep down, she knew they thought she was overreacting, or attention seeking. They didn't understand, any of them. They'd never gone through this pain.

* * *

_Dear Jess,_

James put the pen down. What could he possibly say to make this better? He sat on the bed of a cheap motel he had found. He'd been living in this place for a month, and had finally gotten used to the smell of damp and urine that had come with the room, however he knew he couldn't live like this for much longer. He wasn't good enough at magic to make it feel like home, having only left school with a handful of OWLs, and he was missing all his friends and family too much. But she wouldn't forgive him, and he couldn't face seeing her and knowing what he'd lost. A tear escaped his eye, falling down onto the parchment which he proceeded to scrunch up and toss in the bin.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, reaching over to the bottle of aspirin on the bedside table. "Goodbye."

**Rawr, not sure if I like this chapter. I kinda rushed it... Meh, I'm tired. Reviews would be appreciated (:**


	8. Chapter seven

**What the hell, here you go**

**Chapter seven**

James was awake before he could see. He tried opening his eyes, but black emptiness shrouded them, preventing him from seeing. He heard voices, but he didn't recognise him. They seemed to be talking about him.

"OD'd. Poor kid."

"Hardly. He used to be quite good, I heard, before he went crazy on the drugs. Serves him right if you asked me."

The first man laughed, and the sound hammered into James' head, loud and painful, but still he couldn't open his eyes.

"I'm sure you're not supposed to say that, being a doctor," the man said, and James could hear the smirk in his voice.

"Whatever, I heard he cheated on his girlfriend."

"Where'd you hear that?"

"My wife reads crap magazines."

The man laughed again.

_Shut__ up,__ you__ bastard,_James thought, angrily.

"Is that who this is from? The girlfriend?"

"Ex girlfriend, I'd imagine. But yeah. She came here herself this morning to deliver it. She sat with him for a while. Pretty girl, actually. I feel sorry for her. She looked so damn depressed, looking at him."

"I can imagine."

_She was here?_

"Well, the guy did try and kill himself. And cheated on her, and got hooked on drugs. So yeah, it's fair enough if she's a little down."

_I have… to see…_

"I'm tempted to read the letter, see what it says."

"Hmm, I wish. I'll tell you this much, any journalist would kill to get his hands on this stuff."

_Fucking assholes._

James tried furiously to blink open his eyes, and blot away the black sheet that hid his view of whatever muggle hospital he'd been taken to. Regaining some control in his face, he managed to open his eyes, and gradually the darkness faded away and he could see. He was in a white hospital ward, muggle, of course. There were a couple of other sick people there, but the two doctors present crowded his bed.

"Ah, you're awake," one of the doctors smiled at him. Bastard.

"Yes I'm awake, for Merlin's sake."

"What?"

"Oh, never mind."

He was sure his accidental dropping of the word 'Merlin' had made them think he was crazy, but he didn't care. He looked over to his left at the bedside table and saw the crisp, cream paper of an envelope, with his name written on in what was unmistakably _her_ handwriting. She had been here. She had been here, with her long, soft hair and her startlingly blue eyes and her delicate frame.

"Leave me," James glared at the doctors, wanting to be left alone.

They complied, turning and walking out, but James heard, as they walked away, one of them muttered to the other, "rock star arrogance."

_Yeah, __well, __fuck__ you,_ he thought, bitterly, grabbing the envelope and taking a deep breath before carefully opening it and unfolding the enclosed parchment.

_Dear James,_

_You absolute twat. I can't believe you would do something so stupid. How could you? Really, how could you?_

_You fucking left me. You were too much of a fucking coward to sort your fucking life out, so you decided to just leave. You really fucked it up this time, didn't you?_

_I apologise for my language; it's just because I'm so angry and upset and yeah. On second thoughts, I'm not sorry. You're a heartless bastard, James._

_I could write this entire letter to you angry. But that would serve no point whatsoever. You know what you've done and you hate yourself for it; that's why you did this. I'm actually writing this letter as I watch you lying there, in an almost comatose state. You look so vulnerable. I could kill you now, but that would also be counterproductive. You know what, I don't even want to kill you. I pity you too much._

_But I want you to know what you did to all of us. You broke my heart, James, and you continue to break the fragments every minute of every day and I don't know if that's irreparable or if we still stand a chance. They found a letter in your motel room that had been addressed to me, but never written. I don't even know what to believe. I want to believe it means you still care about me…_

_To be honest, I don't know why I'm here. I'm considering not leaving this letter here for you… After all, I am rambling and not making much sense and you might not even care about me and I might make it worse._

_But, if I don't try, I guess I'll never know. So James, it takes so much pain to write this but… I think I still love you. Excuse my awkward declaration of love there if you don't feel the same way, but I hope to God you do. Oh look at me, I'm using muggle phrases. I must be upset._

_I'm so sorry James, for everything._

_Lots of love, Jess x_

_PS. Regardless of how you feel about me, I hope you still come home for Christmas. Albus misses you so much; you have no idea how worried he's been._

Tears blotted the page as James finished reading. Why wasn't she here now? He had to see her. He had to.

**Okay, there xD I'm sorry for leaving it over a year to update D: But I did it now! Forgive me! Thank you as always to everyone who's reviewed/favourited/alerted this fic, even if most of you have even forgotten about its existence by now :P**


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